There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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