I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
