Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
