When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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