So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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