Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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