So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
