I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
