His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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