i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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