mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
