It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
