how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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