I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
