no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
