remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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