i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
