Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm passing your future prison.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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