wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
