flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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