Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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