I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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