i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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