Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
