Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just pynch a tree in the face
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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