just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
