There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
