Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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