Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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