I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
