im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
