Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
