my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
