The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
