oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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