it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
