just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
