if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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