What did we do last night that was yellow?
ugly people sure do ruin things
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
