the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
