I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
