i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
