Screwed.edu
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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