the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
