its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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