Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
love makes seman taste better
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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