You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
