fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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