Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
