Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
