At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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